I don’t know if the guy who came up with this didn’t have a grill at hand or if he simply doesn’t like barbecue. But then again, who doesn’t like barbecue? Anyway, it turns out all you need to cook a delicious chicken, is an empty can of cooking oil, some wood and a match. So there you have it, next time you find yourself outdoors, in the mood for roasted chicken, you can improvise your own oven.

Once a Blonde was traveling on a train. He felt sleepy so he gave the guy sitting opposite him on the train 20 rupees to wake him up when the station arrived. This guy was a barber, and he felt that for 20 rupees, the Blonde deserved more service.

So, when the Blonde fell asleep, the barber quietly shaved off his beard. When the station arrived, the Blonde was woken up, and he went home. Reaching home, he went to wash his face, and suddenly screamed when he saw the mirror.
“What`s the matter?” Says his wife.
He replied, “The cheat on the train has taken my 20 rupees and woken up someone else.”

Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet.

"Doctor," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail."

The vet stepped back, "Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?"

"Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome."

Hold out two fingers and say: "Why should a woman masturbate with these two fingers?"

(I don't know.)

"Cause they're mine sweetheart."

An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place around where he can get American food. The concierge tells him he's in luck; there's a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and he goes back to his room and orders a pizza. Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door with the pizza. The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably. He asks the delivery man, ''What the heck did you put on this pizza?'' The delivery man bows deeply and says, ''We put on the pizza what you ordered, pepper only.''

Harry's wife says, "Harry, do these jeans make my ass look like the side of the house?"
He says, "No, our house isn't blue."

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I Do," is the longest sentence?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

A man was not proud of his small penis and it embarresed him.

One day he picked up a hot chick at the local bar and by 8 o'clock they were at his house. They jumped into bed and he put his bonet in her hand.

The woman said, "No thanks, I don't smoke"

After a laborious two-week criminal trial in a very high profile bank robbery case the jury finally ended its 14 hours of deliberations and entered the courtroom to deliver its verdict to the judge.

The judge turns to the jury foreman and asks, "Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?"

"Yes we have, your honor," the foreman responded.

"Would you please pass it to me,"

The judge declared, as he motioned for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it to him.

After the judge reads the verdict himself, he delivers the verdict slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the foreman and instructs the foreman, "Please read your verdict to the court."

"We find the defendant NOT GUILTY of all four counts of bank robbery," stated the foreman.

The family and friends of the defendant jump for joy at the sound of the "not guilty" verdict and hug each other as they shout expressions of divine gratitude. The defendant's attorney turns to his client and asks, "So, what do you think about that?"

The defendant looks around the courtroom slowly with a bewildered look on his face and then turns to his defense attorney and says, "I'm real confused here. Does this mean that I have to give all the money back?"

Three drunk guys are sitting behind a couple of nuns at a football game (whose habits partially blocked the view).

In an effort to get te nuns to move, the men decided to badger them.

In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I'm going to move to Utah, I heard there are only 100 nuns living there."

The Second Guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Montana, there are only 50 nuns there."

The Third Guy said, "Well, I want to go to Idaho, they say there are only 25 Nuns living there."

At that, one of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet, calm voice said, "Why don't you all go to hell. You won't find any nuns there."

1. Dial 911 immediately.

2. Open the curtains to see if anything has changed over the past 2 years.

3. You mean there's something else to do?

4. Threaten your ISP with an impeachment vote.

5. Work.

6. Re-introduce yourself to your immediate family.

7. Get that kidney transplant you've been putting off.